In America. 60% of marriages end in divorce. Most people do not realize that the primary cause of this startling figure is the sexual revolution. ‘Free’ love was everywhere in the 1960s. There was even a ‘Summer of Love.’ What none of those idealistic hippies realized in that “hot” Summer of ’67 is that ‘love’ is never free, you always pay for it.
Religious reasons aside, there are plenty of reasons to hold off on that divorce you may be contemplating. “Yeah,” you say, “but my wife sucks!,” (or no longer does, as the case may be). Whatever the excuse, you must realize that you are probably a victim of either the first or the second sexual revolution in this country. The second being the Disco era of the mid-’70s through the early ’80s. If during either of these eras found you running around like a dog in heat, you’ve realized you messed with your mind and now you’re convinced your marriage is “a bad trip, man.”
Then why is your prudish, nerd of a high school friend in his 3rd or 4th happy decade of being married to the same woman? That loser was a virgin till his wedding night! I mean, you gotta kick the tires and go for a test drive before you buy, don’t ‘cha? If you do take that test drive you will more likely than not join that 60% who get run over.
1.) Scientists have proven that each new encounter shoots our brain full of dopamine, the ‘feel-good’ hormone while the female gets her brain bathed in Oxytocin that makes her desire to bond with you. Suddenly you need that feeling all of the time! It’s high! You’re on drugs! You have trained yourself just as surely as Pavlov trained his dogs and you pound that drug button as frequently as a lab monkey hooked-up to electrodes and, like that monkey, you’ll devolve into a feces flinging fit if you don’t get your fix!
Meanwhile, your dumb dweeb friend had nothing to compare his model to so he is happily riding around inside his original purchase. And, it gets worse if cheating is involved. Now you need the extra thrill of secrecy to stay interested. It doesn’t stay at that level. It can’t. All this while the dweeb’s relationship is solid, steady and deep. You, on the other hand, keep looking for your next thrill on every Blueberry Hill!
It’s true, the grass is not greener on the other side of the fence. In fact, given today’s looney society, you might find a real nutjob on the other side of that fence, not to mention her angry husband. Eventually, all green grass dries-up. Here’s a suggestion…try watering your own lawn. An extra yard will cost you a lot more than you may be willing to pay these days. So, keep up the maintenance. Don’t let other things in life keep you from watering and fertilizing your lawn on a regular basis. Don’t wait…offer to trim the shrubbery.
If your old ‘tool’ isn’t getting the job done anymore, try picking up a few new ones. You can even rent tapes demonstrating unique ‘gardening’ techniques for couples. Sometimes the two of you need to play in the yard again like a couple of kids, Break-out the toys and have fun!
2.) Sure the Plumtree didn’t use to sag, but a little Spandex can keep the fruit from dragging on the ground. And, if your relationship has gone to pot, perhaps the two of you could occasionally as well. At least things will seem funnier. WARNING: Frequent use of this gardening enhancer may cause a serious case of “the munchies” which may exacerbate the original problem. Be careful!
Here’s an idea ‘Mr. Dump and Run’: try dating again. Take out those tennis racquets. Yes, the wooden ones that haven’t seen the light of day since the ‘Battle of the Sexes’ between Riggs and King. Or, join a cooking class. Show her that all great men really know how to cook! But, let her win the “Master Chef’ title or the only pie you’ll be eating for the foreseeable future is ‘humble.’
If you really want to appreciate what you’re contemplating trading for a newer model, take a trip to a nearby college bar and notice that none of the new models are noticing you! Face it, you’re a ‘classic.’ Make certain you remain a ‘Certified Pre-Owned/One-Owner vehicle’ because your Blue Book value is pocket change! Sure, you’ve still got horses under the hood, but they bear more resemblance to a Shetland pony at a children’s’ party than Seattle Slew.
Remember the good times when you could make a run for the roses. You may come up short, but stay in the saddle and never stop training. Love is a journey, not conquests. In short, forget divorce. Ride that filly until there’s nothing left to do but donate the remains to the Jello and at Elmer’s Glue factories respectively and… Happy Trails to You!